Being Better

For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do.

O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord (Romans 7:13 & 24-25 NKJV)

It is funny really that the words of Paul have been elevated to being on the same level with the words of God. It is obvious from this passage, and others like it, that he struggled with his own sinful nature just like the rest of us do. Sure, much of what he wrote was inspired by God. However, it is not much of a stretch to think that it is possible for him to have written some things that were outside the inspiration of God. Still, this is fodder best left for another post.

Today is not the day for me to critique the Apostle Paul. Today is a day for me to agree with Paul and understand what he is saying in this passage. Like Paul, I struggle with my sinful nature and wish that I could do better. No matter how much I wish though, I still mess up everyday.

I'm impatient with other drivers. I get pissed off when they drive to slow or cut in front of me. I get annoyed for stupid reasons and sometimes act like an asshole. I swear to myself I won't do these things again, but when the chips are down I do.

Why can't I be better? Why can't I act the way I want to act? My old boss used to define non performance of employees as being a matter of will or skill. Am I missing the will to be better or the skill? I think the answer to both questions is yes. Sure I want to be better but I haven't developed my will to the point that I can always choose to do the right thing.

    "You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin" (Hebrews 12:4).

No matter how much I work on my will and develop my spiritual muscle I will still sin because it is in my nature. I will never be able to fully eliminate it from my life. What is sad is that I become afraid of God like Adam and Eve did in the Garden of Eden after they had eaten the forbidden fruit. I try to cover myself with a proverbial fig leaf and hide in a bush so God can't see me. This isn't the answer. I need to understand that God is bigger than I am (see Isaiah 55:9). God is big enough to love me through my sin and to help me to do better.

I know this with my head, now if I could just feel it in my heart.